The Third Trimester Begins

I've been wanting to put up a new post for the past few weeks, ideas float around and then disperse into pieces of ideas, vague memories of having had an idea, or an occasional word, hanging there alone without it's string of context.  I realized that I have reached that stage in my pregnancy where I am much less mentally present, and yet much more physically and emotionally at one with my surroundings, with what Bluejay calls "the beautiful world".  This is a lovely and disconcerting place to be.  Driving has become an exercise in focus.  I find myself noticing the hillside on my left, or light on the grass, or sheep in a vineyard, and when I glance back at the road, I have no idea for how long I was being a sheep in a vineyard or a ray of light on the hillside as opposed to a 30 something (ahem) mom driving a minivan to preschool pick-up.

People talk to me and I hear them, I really do, but when they are done, I cannot often tell you what they said.  The children are very understanding and forgiving of this.  I think I am more in tune with their way of being part of the world.  Even when I forget, the moment after he tells me, that Bluejay is stuck and needs my help, he just tolerantly, if somewhat more urgently, reminds me.

I have found that this altered state of consciousness makes it, not easier, but perhaps more compelling, to concentrate on spiritual growth.  I do not mean that suddenly I am "growing spiritually", oh wonderful, look at me (although pride is one of my great failings), but that I am finding myself aware of the possibilities for growth, and actually able to notice the rewards of grace that accompany such effort.  It took some serious searching through my mind's archive to remember where this came from, but I believe it was something I read on Matushka Anna's blog that lead me to think, not so much about learning to address my personal neuroses, or psychoses, or whatever, but rather to ask God, not to remove, but to give me the grace to bear certain burdens.  Anyway, this stuck in my mind, became a part of my current world, while it's source, it's context even, floated away.  And, when I came across a situation and this small piece of the wisdom of a spiritual father was available to me, in one attempt, one painful, difficult attempt, this was rewarded, with grace.  

I am sure this post is also reflective of my state, I can't remember when to use it's versus its, I don't recognize the letter order of the word consciousness, and I don't have any motivation to look them up, even though normally I gleefully like to relearn grammar rules.  We made an unplanned trip to The City today and boy was it beautiful.  Some of these pictures are from little adventure.